Post by larissamurderface on Feb 1, 2009 4:25:40 GMT -5
--»Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Aw, Poor Little Evelyn was raped and beaten in her youth. Wah. Really, what is she trying to pull? I'll say it now, I don't have a heart to care. She's pathetic. I don't want to know about her and her past. Her suicidal ways. Her. Well Evelyn-ness. Wait, wait, let me predict what she will say about me. Ahem. "Airica [or she probably will not know my name. hm.] is a sorry excuse for a wrestler. She even admitted to not knowing how to wrestle. She's ugly. And too thin. Not a real woman, like me. Men love me because I can beat them up. Reow. I will kill her and eat her flesh and maybe poop on her chest to be comic. She will beg for my mercy, I enjoy giving her pain, she needs to show me real competition. And. I was beaten as a child, Airica can't inflict any more pain on me." There we go 
That about sums it up. She won't be able to predict what I say! Unless she watches my promo tape . I really don't think any one will watch it. But that's okay. As long as God knows. HAHAHA I crack myself up. God? He watches you pee. He's a pervert. And my promo won't be shot until like. Never.
When I looked at the clock, I saw that it was 2 A.M. The rain outside tapped at my window like an old friend. I liked that. I blinked a couple of times so that my eyes could adjust to the darkness. Flashes of lightening struck as I yawned. This cheap motel was my sanctuary for a few nights, and already, it had betrayed me. The walls were so thin, and during the rainfall, the room next to me just so happened to have a lovely newlywed couple fucking eachother's brains out. "OH DAMIEN YES YEESSSSSSSSS!" And then the 'thud thud thud' against my wall. It was like a rhythem. And the whole action of their sex was like a song. And eventually, I started to sing along. "Ohhh Damien, yyyeesss yessss!" I realize that was strange. Since I couldn't go back to sleep, I think I started having hallucinations, because suddenly, another me was sitting at the foot of my bed! EEP! I hurled myself at the little nightstand next to me, looking for the little string to turn the lamp on. The sudden light made me blind for 5 seconds, and when I rubbed my eyes, I soon found myself face to face with:
myself.
Airica One [Me] "How did you know where to find me?"
Airica Two [Devil] "I waited for you to get horny, and followed that feeling here, to this cheap Motel. Really, Airica, a Love Shack? What's the point?"
Airica One [Me] "I wanted to get horny..." Airica Two rolled her eyes at me.
Airica Two [Devil] "So you have a match against that...One girl."
Airica One [Me] "Yeah. I almost forgot. You know, I had a dream about that the other night. Well. Of her."
Airica Two [Devil] "Please tell."
Airica One [Me] "Okay, I was driving my car in the middle of the night. The eerie light the moon casted on the road made everything seem gloomy. There was a bit of a fog out that night. Had my headlights on, like I was supposed to. You know that myth, going 50 with your headlights blaring and a deer will jump out in front of you?" Airica Two nods. "Well, that happened! But the deer was no ordinary deer. It was...AN EVELYN DEER! So I hit the Evelyn deer with my car, right? And I couldn't see her. So I backed up and ran her over. And said 'Shit.' and got out of the car. But when I got to the deer, it turned into cotton candy. So I took it home and ate it."
Airica Two [Devil] "And how does that make you feel?"
Airica One [Me] "It makes me feel like I need to hit Evelyn with a car and then run her over."
Airica Two [Devil] "I'll get that car for you."
Airica One [Me] "Thanks, you're to kind!" I did that in an 'Aww, shucks!' sort of way.
Airica Two [Devil] "Well I have to go. Be strong, Airica, beee ssstttrrronnng."
Airica One [Me] "WAIT!!!!!!! Airica Two?"
Airica Two [Devil] "Yeeeah?"
Airica One [Me] "Can you spin around in a circle for me? I need to see you from behind." Airica did. And Yes, I was checking myself out. I'm sexy. "Yeaah mmmm." If I was a guy, I would have pulled out my long, harddd, viennny...legs. and showed them off to my butt. And then Airica Two started to evaporize. It was the saddest moment of my life. And the sex stopped. That was the second saddest moment of my life. But now I know what I have to do. My mission in life. RUN HER DOWN! Yeah!
Okay that conversation was more than likely a conversation I just said to myself. Meaning, no second Airica. Hm. I looked at the clock again. 2: 45 A.M. What can I do at this time!? I could invite Dane Cook over and like, get him to tell me jokes. And. Stuff.
Or I could call Cox Customer Service.
I like talking to this one guy I befriended there when I lived in Nevada. My Cox wasn't working, so I called him. His name is Don. He helped me, step by step, and he fixed my problem. I didn't plug the Cox thingy into my wall. And from then on, whenever I'm bored, I like to call good old Don and talk about stuff. Ain't it the greatest? I got the little old fashioned phone from the floor, since I knocked it off the nightstand in my attempt to not scare myself with myself, and dialed the toll free number. I hummed as I waited to hear something from the other end. "Your call is important to us. Please wait for the next available agent. This wait is aproximately: 3 minutes." So. For three minutes, I let it all hang loose. I was looking at myself nekkid when someone said "This is Eric speaking, how may I help you?"
Me "Hi thur Eric. Can you connect me to Don in uh Technical affairs please?"
Eric the Cox Guy "Is this Airica?" Everyone knows I'm the only customer EVER to ask for Don.
Me "Yeah..."
Eric the Cox Guy "You're pretty sexy." I already knew *wink*
Me" Thank yeeew!" And that was that, I was being connected to Don.
Don my Cox Guy "This is Don..."
Me "DON!"
Don my Cox Guy "Uh Airica?"
Me" YEAH!"
Don my Cox Guy "Man oh man! I haven't heard from you since that time you had that kinky sex with-"
Me "No Don, not now, not now. Someone might be listening!"
Don my Cox Guy "Right, right. So how've you been? See you got a job as a wrestler."
Me "Yeah and it's kewl. I have a match this week against Evelyn. You know, the manly one who thinks she can just tear me limb from limb like a retarded orangutan? Ah."
Don my Cox Guy "Yeah she's creepy. I saw that match against Gabriella Riley. She kinda kicked her ass, just so you know."
Me "Yeah. I watched it..."
Don my Cox Guy "Apparently Evelyn did some research on Riley. I think you should do the same."
Me "I already requested a copy of the match. Just so I can get her style down. I was thinking of countering her style with something that makes it impossible to use, yah know?"
Don my Cox Guy "She looks like a Serial Killer to me."
Me "Well, when you profile a Serial Killer, normally their past makes them do what they do. So, you're right. Because Evelyn acts like she's going to be like, going all trebuchet on people. Well. Person. Gabriella didn't know what hit her, it all happened to fast. I'd demand a re-match."
Don my Cox Guy "I just think you need to get serious."
Me "Psh, when am I NOT serious?" We both paused. And exploded with laughter. "Okay, okay, yeah I need to get serious. I was watching the Animal Planet, right? I think Evelyn has the uh violence factor you see in a tiger when it's in mating and another tiger tries to fuck his girl, you know? So I gotta get a violence factor like an elephant in the same situation, because an elephant can kill a tiger. So it's the perfect plan."
Don my Cox Guy "How are you going to do that?"
Me "Well I have a parrot. Maybe he'd know."
Don my Cox Guy "That's a pretty dumb idea. Just so you know."
Me "Fine! I'll watch violent t.v. shows, like Tom and Jerry and Metalacalypse. I'll become a killer by the end of a day long marathon of that."
Don my Cox Guy "Don't get all hyphy on me."
Me "I don't know what that means. But maybe it will be good for me. And I was thinking...You know that episode of Metalacalypse where T goes crazy because M is getting more attention and only K's love him?"
Don my Cox guy "Yeah. You want to turn like him?"
Me "Yesss. It's ze perfect transformation."
Don my Cox Guy "It really is! Man. You should practice hitting people. And beating the shit out of them."
Me "That's brilliant! But how?"
Don my Cox Guy "Well, you could do it to Hobos, male Prostitutes...And me."
Me "You'd do that for me?"
Don my Cox Guy "Yeah. I think I can handle what you dish out babbyyy."
Me "If I make you bleed, you can't cry, okay?"
Don my Cox Guy "Okay. But really, I'll meet you someplace and bring some ideas around. You know. Like. Physical pain without weapons. Because you can't cheat."
Me "Well I can. But that just means I suck so much that I can't kick her ass on my own. Well anyways, Donny Wonny, I have to sleep. I have to start my violence 101. Because I already like it. Did I tell you about that one time? Nah. I don't tell anyone about that. Maybe I should bring my past into everything. I mean, it's making her a selfless bitch, it can do the same to me. Yeah!
Night...Well MORNING Donny lessthanthree."
Don my Cox Guy "Talk to you soon. You know where to find me ;D" And then I hung up. Whew. Now I really gotta buckle down. And sleep. And have dreams about massacre.
but WAIT! I forgot to feed Toaster Strudel! My perfect specimen can now say 5 things : You Suck, Cum on my face, milk, do me rough dirrrty boy, and he can roar like a tiger! AH! Well. Where is my parrot? I can't find him. Or hear him telling me that I suck
NOOO! PORQUE!
MY BIRD! AH! I bet Evelyn stole him EVELYN STOLE HIM AND SLIT HIS THROAT AND DRANK THE BLOOD IN SOME SICK WAY SO SHE COULD ORGASM! I mean, her drinking HIS blood is like drinking MY blood and I know she wants to do that 
After I cried for...well, actually, I'm too embarassed to say how long I cried for, but after I finished crying, I went to sleep and had a dream of Toaster Strudel going to Parrot Heaven. He was 100 feet tall, and he ate Evelyn. It was awesome. She was at the mercy of my Godzilla bird. First, he grabbed her in his beak and split her spine in two. And as her limp body lay in his mouth, he popped her head like a grape and the blood went everywhere. Like on my face. I licked it off and smiled. It was a really great dream.
How would you like to help Airica get a new Parrot? A new parrot to peck out the eyes of Evelyn Evil! Just go to airicatylerneedsanewparrot.org for more information, and a donation! And, for a limited time only, get a free sports band that says 'In Toaster Strudel We Trust' FREE with your order.
That about sums it up. She won't be able to predict what I say! Unless she watches my promo tape . I really don't think any one will watch it. But that's okay. As long as God knows. HAHAHA I crack myself up. God? He watches you pee. He's a pervert. And my promo won't be shot until like. Never.When I looked at the clock, I saw that it was 2 A.M. The rain outside tapped at my window like an old friend. I liked that. I blinked a couple of times so that my eyes could adjust to the darkness. Flashes of lightening struck as I yawned. This cheap motel was my sanctuary for a few nights, and already, it had betrayed me. The walls were so thin, and during the rainfall, the room next to me just so happened to have a lovely newlywed couple fucking eachother's brains out. "OH DAMIEN YES YEESSSSSSSSS!" And then the 'thud thud thud' against my wall. It was like a rhythem. And the whole action of their sex was like a song. And eventually, I started to sing along. "Ohhh Damien, yyyeesss yessss!" I realize that was strange. Since I couldn't go back to sleep, I think I started having hallucinations, because suddenly, another me was sitting at the foot of my bed! EEP! I hurled myself at the little nightstand next to me, looking for the little string to turn the lamp on. The sudden light made me blind for 5 seconds, and when I rubbed my eyes, I soon found myself face to face with:
myself.
Airica One [Me] "How did you know where to find me?"
Airica Two [Devil] "I waited for you to get horny, and followed that feeling here, to this cheap Motel. Really, Airica, a Love Shack? What's the point?"
Airica One [Me] "I wanted to get horny..." Airica Two rolled her eyes at me.
Airica Two [Devil] "So you have a match against that...One girl."
Airica One [Me] "Yeah. I almost forgot. You know, I had a dream about that the other night. Well. Of her."
Airica Two [Devil] "Please tell."
Airica One [Me] "Okay, I was driving my car in the middle of the night. The eerie light the moon casted on the road made everything seem gloomy. There was a bit of a fog out that night. Had my headlights on, like I was supposed to. You know that myth, going 50 with your headlights blaring and a deer will jump out in front of you?" Airica Two nods. "Well, that happened! But the deer was no ordinary deer. It was...AN EVELYN DEER! So I hit the Evelyn deer with my car, right? And I couldn't see her. So I backed up and ran her over. And said 'Shit.' and got out of the car. But when I got to the deer, it turned into cotton candy. So I took it home and ate it."
Airica Two [Devil] "And how does that make you feel?"
Airica One [Me] "It makes me feel like I need to hit Evelyn with a car and then run her over."
Airica Two [Devil] "I'll get that car for you."
Airica One [Me] "Thanks, you're to kind!" I did that in an 'Aww, shucks!' sort of way.
Airica Two [Devil] "Well I have to go. Be strong, Airica, beee ssstttrrronnng."
Airica One [Me] "WAIT!!!!!!! Airica Two?"
Airica Two [Devil] "Yeeeah?"
Airica One [Me] "Can you spin around in a circle for me? I need to see you from behind." Airica did. And Yes, I was checking myself out. I'm sexy. "Yeaah mmmm." If I was a guy, I would have pulled out my long, harddd, viennny...legs. and showed them off to my butt. And then Airica Two started to evaporize. It was the saddest moment of my life. And the sex stopped. That was the second saddest moment of my life. But now I know what I have to do. My mission in life. RUN HER DOWN! Yeah!
Okay that conversation was more than likely a conversation I just said to myself. Meaning, no second Airica. Hm. I looked at the clock again. 2: 45 A.M. What can I do at this time!? I could invite Dane Cook over and like, get him to tell me jokes. And. Stuff.
Or I could call Cox Customer Service.
I like talking to this one guy I befriended there when I lived in Nevada. My Cox wasn't working, so I called him. His name is Don. He helped me, step by step, and he fixed my problem. I didn't plug the Cox thingy into my wall. And from then on, whenever I'm bored, I like to call good old Don and talk about stuff. Ain't it the greatest? I got the little old fashioned phone from the floor, since I knocked it off the nightstand in my attempt to not scare myself with myself, and dialed the toll free number. I hummed as I waited to hear something from the other end. "Your call is important to us. Please wait for the next available agent. This wait is aproximately: 3 minutes." So. For three minutes, I let it all hang loose. I was looking at myself nekkid when someone said "This is Eric speaking, how may I help you?"
Me "Hi thur Eric. Can you connect me to Don in uh Technical affairs please?"
Eric the Cox Guy "Is this Airica?" Everyone knows I'm the only customer EVER to ask for Don.
Me "Yeah..."
Eric the Cox Guy "You're pretty sexy." I already knew *wink*
Me" Thank yeeew!" And that was that, I was being connected to Don.
Don my Cox Guy "This is Don..."
Me "DON!"
Don my Cox Guy "Uh Airica?"
Me" YEAH!"
Don my Cox Guy "Man oh man! I haven't heard from you since that time you had that kinky sex with-"
Me "No Don, not now, not now. Someone might be listening!"
Don my Cox Guy "Right, right. So how've you been? See you got a job as a wrestler."
Me "Yeah and it's kewl. I have a match this week against Evelyn. You know, the manly one who thinks she can just tear me limb from limb like a retarded orangutan? Ah."
Don my Cox Guy "Yeah she's creepy. I saw that match against Gabriella Riley. She kinda kicked her ass, just so you know."
Me "Yeah. I watched it..."
Don my Cox Guy "Apparently Evelyn did some research on Riley. I think you should do the same."
Me "I already requested a copy of the match. Just so I can get her style down. I was thinking of countering her style with something that makes it impossible to use, yah know?"
Don my Cox Guy "She looks like a Serial Killer to me."
Me "Well, when you profile a Serial Killer, normally their past makes them do what they do. So, you're right. Because Evelyn acts like she's going to be like, going all trebuchet on people. Well. Person. Gabriella didn't know what hit her, it all happened to fast. I'd demand a re-match."
Don my Cox Guy "I just think you need to get serious."
Me "Psh, when am I NOT serious?" We both paused. And exploded with laughter. "Okay, okay, yeah I need to get serious. I was watching the Animal Planet, right? I think Evelyn has the uh violence factor you see in a tiger when it's in mating and another tiger tries to fuck his girl, you know? So I gotta get a violence factor like an elephant in the same situation, because an elephant can kill a tiger. So it's the perfect plan."
Don my Cox Guy "How are you going to do that?"
Me "Well I have a parrot. Maybe he'd know."
Don my Cox Guy "That's a pretty dumb idea. Just so you know."
Me "Fine! I'll watch violent t.v. shows, like Tom and Jerry and Metalacalypse. I'll become a killer by the end of a day long marathon of that."
Don my Cox Guy "Don't get all hyphy on me."
Me "I don't know what that means. But maybe it will be good for me. And I was thinking...You know that episode of Metalacalypse where T goes crazy because M is getting more attention and only K's love him?"
Don my Cox guy "Yeah. You want to turn like him?"
Me "Yesss. It's ze perfect transformation."
Don my Cox Guy "It really is! Man. You should practice hitting people. And beating the shit out of them."
Me "That's brilliant! But how?"
Don my Cox Guy "Well, you could do it to Hobos, male Prostitutes...And me."
Me "You'd do that for me?"
Don my Cox Guy "Yeah. I think I can handle what you dish out babbyyy."
Me "If I make you bleed, you can't cry, okay?"
Don my Cox Guy "Okay. But really, I'll meet you someplace and bring some ideas around. You know. Like. Physical pain without weapons. Because you can't cheat."
Me "Well I can. But that just means I suck so much that I can't kick her ass on my own. Well anyways, Donny Wonny, I have to sleep. I have to start my violence 101. Because I already like it. Did I tell you about that one time? Nah. I don't tell anyone about that. Maybe I should bring my past into everything. I mean, it's making her a selfless bitch, it can do the same to me. Yeah!
Night...Well MORNING Donny lessthanthree."Don my Cox Guy "Talk to you soon. You know where to find me ;D" And then I hung up. Whew. Now I really gotta buckle down. And sleep. And have dreams about massacre.
but WAIT! I forgot to feed Toaster Strudel! My perfect specimen can now say 5 things : You Suck, Cum on my face, milk, do me rough dirrrty boy, and he can roar like a tiger! AH! Well. Where is my parrot? I can't find him. Or hear him telling me that I suck
NOOO! PORQUE!
MY BIRD! AH! I bet Evelyn stole him EVELYN STOLE HIM AND SLIT HIS THROAT AND DRANK THE BLOOD IN SOME SICK WAY SO SHE COULD ORGASM! I mean, her drinking HIS blood is like drinking MY blood and I know she wants to do that 
After I cried for...well, actually, I'm too embarassed to say how long I cried for, but after I finished crying, I went to sleep and had a dream of Toaster Strudel going to Parrot Heaven. He was 100 feet tall, and he ate Evelyn. It was awesome. She was at the mercy of my Godzilla bird. First, he grabbed her in his beak and split her spine in two. And as her limp body lay in his mouth, he popped her head like a grape and the blood went everywhere. Like on my face. I licked it off and smiled. It was a really great dream.How would you like to help Airica get a new Parrot? A new parrot to peck out the eyes of Evelyn Evil! Just go to airicatylerneedsanewparrot.org for more information, and a donation! And, for a limited time only, get a free sports band that says 'In Toaster Strudel We Trust' FREE with your order.